'THE BIRTH OF THE SAVVY SHOPPER"

I learned about the wisdom of bargain shopping at my mother's knee.  When I was just a tiny tot, my mother, Gloria Gildone Philips, dragged me around the stores of San Francisco on Saturdays from early morning until late afternoon, just ahead of the commute traffic.  We literally shopped until I dropped, shop-worn into her arms, fast asleep and clutching my bags of bargains.

My mother invented what I came to refer to as the "Shopping Olympics".  I learned to leap tall rounders in a single bound, search for hidden treasures amongst the vast tundra of trash, grab the best merchandise away from women twice my height and ferret out fasion finds.

I learned to tell the difference between real designer merchandise and knock-offs, quality merchandise and schlock, and adopted my mother's beliefs that everything is negotiable and that there is discount in volume.

My later training as a buyer for an upscale fashion chain store, showed me the wonderful world of wholesale, which, of course, further fed my bargain shopping mania.  The idea that only people outside that world actually paid retail was constantly reinforced.

Years after my foray into fashion, I discovered consignment and thrift stores...and never looked back.  To this day, the only thing that I buy new is food; everything else is gently-used and formerly-treasured.  Even my license plate frames reflect my shopping passion,"Get outta my way, I'm going shopping!" and "This is not an SUV, it's a shopping cart!"  My SUV is lovingly referred to as "the shopping shuttle" by my freinds.

Speaking of my friends, it was at their urging that I wrote my book, "The Savvy Shopper's Guide to Thrift & Consignment Stores: Greater Sacramento, Reno/Tahoe".  They thought that the treasure trove of thrift and consignment stores on my shopping route offered super shopportunities for bargainistas!  So enjoy the book at http://www.joannaphilips.com/ and happy shopping!

"RULES FOR RELATIONSHIP SHOPPING #9 & #10"

We talked about avoiding impulse "buying" in relationships and sidestepping fads and trendiness. We agreed that choosing clones of pop icons may label you as a pseudo-celebrity mascot even with epic efforts on your part to be "one of the crowd".

In this dating strategy, you may need to take a good LONG look in the mirror and kick down the door of denial about who you really are. I mean, if you are a desk jockey who is income-impaired, the chances of you winning a date with a Paris Hilton look-alike are really a long shot.  After all, you want to find a person with whom you can relate. You don't want to subject yourself to a muscle milieu if the heaviest thing you raise is an objection.

So, that leads us to Relationship Shopping Rule #9 - TRY IT ON BEFORE BUYING.  Don't take a potential relationship home unless 1) you know it fits; or 2) it will fit with MINOR alterations. Avoid buying a relationship with the idea of making major changes. "He's be great if only he were more generous." "She'd be wonderful if only she didn't talk so much."

REPEAT AFTER ME: You cannot change people. They can only change if THEY choose to. You must accept them just the way they are - or not - but it's not your job to fix them.

People are who they are. You can count on that. They aren't broken and don't need to be fixed. If the fit isn't right, keep shopping. Love is about acceptance. If you can't accept the the way they are, let 'em go.

Andrew really cared about Nadia, but at the same time, he was very critical of her. He said things like, "Gee, you'd look so much better if you lost ten pounds", or "You should take an English class to improve your vocabulary", or "You could be a much better cook if you put your mind to it".

Andrew tried to mold Nadia into the "woman of his dreams" instead of loving her the way she was.  His criticism caused lots of conflict in the relationship, and Nadia finall left because she felt she could never please Andrew.

Every potential relationship is fit to be tried, so if you think someone has the potential to be your Forever After,  run the raw footage of different scenarios through your mind and see if the mental movie is one you want to buy.  Remember our dating motto:  KNOW BEFORE YOU GO.  Practicing that process will save you countless roles as a Walking Wounded.

Shopping Rule #10 - COMPARISON SHOP.

Remember that the most powerful word in shopping for a relationship is "NEXT!"  If it doesn't fit, move on.  Don't buy the first thing you see or try on.  Shop around.  Remember that dating is shopping and that you want to get the best person that you possibly can.  Ms./Mr. Right could be just around the corner.

Susan decided to go online and try her luck on a well-travelled internet dating site.  Darrell was the second man to respond.  Even though he wasn't a great match, Susan jumped to pursue a relationship with him because she was afraid that he was as good as it was going to get.  Her internet profile continued to run, but she stopped shopping to be with Darrell.  Two weeks later, out of curiosity, Susan retrieved her messages from the dating site only to see a message from a man whom she thought was a perfect match for her.  By the time she responded to Mr. Right, he had already met someone else.

Next time:  Dating "Up" and Buying Under Peer Pressure

"RULES FOR RELATIONSHIP SHOPPING" #7 & #8

Rules, rules, rules. Why are there always rules for everything, including shopping for a relationship? Because otherwise, chaos would reign. Rules serve as guidelines to protect us from ourselves - and others. With good reason. Can you imagine the psychological vertigo that would occur with no boundaries? So, regain your balance and thaw out the brain freeze that occurred after I said "rules". Know that these suggestions are designed to help you safely navigate through the icy waters of dating. If you are still cast adrift in a sea of speculation, read on...

Shopping Rule #7 - AVOID FADS OR TRENDINESS. In shopping for a relationship, look for something long-term meaning.... beyond lunch. Ask yourself:
1) can I live with this full time?
2) will I get tired of this soon?
3) is this Ms./Mr. Right or Ms./Mr. Right Now?

Each decade has its pop icons which can influence shopping for the perfect relationship, whether it's Madonna with her outrageous clothing and sexual behavior or Cindy Crawford with her wholesome, all-American look; P. Diddy with his white silk suits and gold jewelry, or Bruce Willis with his tough guy, take-no-prisoners demeanor. Each creates a demand for that "look" and behavior; however, that look and behavior may not really meet your relationship needs. And while you may consider yourself a combo fashion plate and be "into" deprivation chic and gender bending today, cashmere confections may look sweet to you tomorrow.

Geography can also create its own kind of trendiness. You can get caught up in cultural cuisine while visiting exotic places.

Tonya went to Maui with some friends for vacation. She was swept away by the magic of the islands, and fell madly in lust with a buff beach boy with whom she had a torrid romance. She brought him back with her to Omaha, but he was like a fish out of water. Two months later, Tonya threw him back with nary a splash upon her regular routine.

Shopping Rule #8 - AVOID IMPULSE BUYING. A complement to #7, this short-term shopping behavior can result in long-term misery. You can find yourself in an ill-fitting, "unconscious" relationship, one in which you wake up one morning and ask yourself, "How'd I get into this?". Thoughts like, "He's so cute", "She's really built", or "We both like to bowl", are not relationship strategies. Rather, you should look at compatibility in substantial areas: religious beliefs, political views, parenting, activities, socio-economic backgrounds, values, personalities, behaviors.

Brent liked to be in the moment and made dating decisions based on immediate attraction. He was a sucker for a pair of blue eyes, a whispered word, a promise of pleasure. He finally got tired of being led around by his impulses, as he found himself in situations with women with whom he had nothing in common. He decided to be more deliberate and formulate a shopping "strategy"; a plan with a set of criteria of what he wanted in a woman. And he vowed to stick to it.

Next time: Rules for Relationship Shoppping #9 & #10 - "Fit to be Tried" and "Shop Around"

"RULES FOR RELATIONSHIP SHOPPING" #5 & #6

In our continuing effort to assist you on your relationship shopping trip, here are more guidelines. Consider them a GPS for riding the rails of relationships.

Shopping Rule #5 - LEARN TO RECOGNIZE QUALITY. If you know quality, you can shop in any venue without the labels. And sometimes you can find quality in the most unlikely places - locations where you wouldn't ordinarily shop.

Jerry owned a successful bar in a large city. He did not work in the bar, but had a competent manager who ran it very well. Jerry was well-educated and considered himself definitely upscale, so he did not shop for the perfect relationship in his bar or any other. One day, when he was having lunch with a friend, Jerry noticed an attractive new waitress named Maya working in his favorite restaurant. Operating on his own limited stereotype of waitresses, he dismissed his interest in her because she was "only a waitress", until he found out that she was a psychologist who was putting herself through medical school. He discovered, through the shopping interview process, that she was very bright, cultured and enjoyed a similar lifestyle to his. In short, she fit his attraction strategy.

Shopping Rule #6 - SHOP WITH ENTHUSIASM AND AN OPEN MIND

Look at shopping for the perfect relationship as an adventure. Even if you don't meet Ms./Mr. Right immediately, consider every person you meet and interview a gift; she/he will take you where you need to be next. Each encounter allows you to practice and refine your shopping skills.

Linda radiated warmth and good energy. Men were attracted to her because she was approachable, always smiling and good-natured. She made everyone feel good about themselves, even if she was not romantically interested in them. Linda created lots of shopping options for herself with her open-ended attitude.

Developing shopping skills is about developing listening skills. You will find a good listener if you practice being a good listener. And you will find out lots of information by being a good listener. Sometimes more than you want to know, but that's OK. You can use it to your advantage.

If you lead people into talking about themselves, be prepared for a monologue, but set limits. If you are unlucky enough to attract a narcissist who practices auto-intoxication, you should practice the Rule of Three: if your date doesn't ask at least three questions about you during the course of your time together, don't go out with him/her again. Clearly, he/she is not interested in knowing about you.

Unfortunately, few people are good listeners, so understand that you may be in for a hefty dose of audio valium.

Kim met Tony at a baseball game. Both were very outgoing and loved people. They set up a date for cocktails one evening after work. Kim began to ask Tony about his job, his interests, his life. It became clear to her after Tony's one hour monologue that he was interested in talking about himself. Period. Every time she tried to interject a "me too" experience, Tony would talk right over Kim and bring the conversation back to him. Kim determined that if Tony had a tape recorder and a mirror, he'd have a good time all by himself. She cut the date short and kept shopping.

This kind of experience, although a painful slow dating dance, can be a defining moment of enlightenment. It shows you what you don't want. Similarly, the epic dating bore who treats you like his therapist, dumping emotional refuse into your good listening bin.

Lane was considered a good listener by his friends. He was a sympathetic and compassionate person in whom people confided. While skiing one Saturday, he met Judy. They agreed to have lunch the next week. Lane knew that Judy was going through a divorce, which she talked about all during dlunch. Judy found Lane to be a sympathetic ear, and so heaped her troubles on him: her obnoxious boss, her bratty kids, her health challenges. Lane suddenly found himself having lunch with The Black Hole of Emotional Need. He realized that a relationship with Judy would be one-sided with her doing all the taking and him doing all the giving. He gracefully exited, giving her the name of an excellent therapist.

Next: Rules for Relationship Shopping #7 & #8 "Avoiding Dating Fads" and "Avoiding Impulse Buying"

"RULES FOR RELATIONSHIP SHOPPING - #2 & #3"

As we know, shopping rules allow us to "know before we go" thereby avoiding "Buyer's Remorse". It's no different in shopping for a relationship. Our list of rules can protect you from an emotional Hiroshima, so listen up:

2. DEVELOP A SHOPPING STRATEGY. How will you shop? Where will you shop? Are you prepared to buy or are you just browsing? What will you do if you want to return the "merchandise" or develop Buyer's Remorse? Shorten your learning curve by knowing your plan ahead of time. Set your goals and stick to them. Avoid settling for less.

Keith, an attorney was a great strategist in business. Using his cunning, he had brought a great deal of important business to his law firm. Unfortunately, he did not practice the same strategic planning in his personal life. He preferred to "shoot from the hip". This "unconscious" shopping behavior resulted in Buyer's Remorse on more than one occasion in which Keith bought a relationship that didn't fit.

3. SHOP WHERE YOU REALLY WANT TO BUY. You get what you pay for, so if you want an upscale mate who earns a lot of money and enjoys the finer things in life, shop upscale: the best golf courses, clothing stores, country clubs, spas, restaurants, opera, theatre, symphony, art galleries, ski resorts.

If a burly blue collar stud is more your type, shop accordingly: bowling centers, country and western bars, shooting ranges, car races, rod and gun clubs, fishing spots, motorcycle or car clubs, RV/boat shows, rock concerts.

Don't expect to find Mr./Ms. Nordstrom at Walmart (although they do discount shop). And if you shop "off price" at bargain centers, you may get second, irregulars or damaged goods; i.e., people with multiple relationships, lots of baggage, unhealthy behaviors. Low grade romance, low rent rendezvous.

Patrice was a woman of means; a widow with some assets to her name. She was tired of meeting younger men who wanted to be taken care of, and was looking for someone her own age with similar assets. She went to a mixer at an upscale singles apartment complex where she met Tom, a stock broker who had been divorced about a year. They discovered many commonalities, including their personality types, communication styles and socio-economic backgrounds. They matched and mirrored each other really well. After about six months of dating, they got married.

Next time: Rules 5 & 6, "Recognizing Quality" and "Stretch Your Synapses"

"RULES FOR RELATIONSHIP SHOPPING"

We all know there are rules for shopping, things like, "Don't go grocery shopping when you are hungry", and "Don't shop for a car (boat, house, any large purchase) after cocktails". Likewise, there are rules for shopping for a relationship. All of these rules are designed to avoid Buyer's Remorse.

1. MAKE A LIST. Always shop with a list in mind of your needs, as determined by your "needs assessment" (see blog post on 4/23/09, "One Size Fits All"). Know before you go as to your preference in personality type, communication style,values and lifestyle. Know what kind of person you want before you go shopping. Do outcome first: what will you see, hear, feel when you get there with this person? After all, time is money, and you don't want to waste either.

Tamara was very organized and made lists for everything: daily things "do", things to take along on vacation, kids' homework deadlines, soccer schedules, groceries needed, family doctor and dentist appointments. After her divorce, she carried her lists into her dating strategy; she listed all the qualities she wanted in a mate, along with things she definitely didn't want. By using her kinesthetic mode; i.e., physically writing down her needs, she remembered them whenever she went shopping for a relationship. The list made it easier for Tamara to focus on what she wanted rather than being distracted by an attractive man who didn't meet her needs.

"RAPPORT: CREATING DATING CHEMISTRY"

Everyone wants to be understood, and yet, everyone has a distinct style of communication, or modality. Some people are visual and express themselves by using visual words - "I see, It's clear, I imagine", etc. Others are auditory and express themselves with sound words - "I hear you, Sounds good, It's music to my ears", etc. Still others are kinesthetic and express themselves in terms of feelings - "I feel, It touched me deeply, It's my impression".

Given all these verbal varieties, it's amazing that we can communicate at all. Add to that recipe splashes of regional and international accents, and you have the makings of talk soup.

Why is this important to those shopping for the perfect relationship? Because developing rapport skills will enable you to communicate effectively with potential partners. Consider them "shopping skills" which will result in "buying power". You wouldn't go shopping without money or credit cards, would you? Likewise, don't leave home without these skills.

Rapport, sometimes described as being "in sync" or "on the same wavelength" is a powerful communication tool that creates a positive mental and physical state by matching and mirroring someone's behavior. When you are in rapport with someone, there is a comfort level and an attraction.

Rapport is created by matching someone's
1. communication style - visual, auditory, kinesthetic
2. voice - tone and speed
3. body language
4. experience - feelings about what is happening
5. perspective - small details vs big picture

Think of it as putting yourself in his/her place - swapping silhouettes, as it were. Use his/her words, voice tone and speed of talking, and body language (93% of all communication is non-verbal).

The importance of creating rapport on a date is that, since you are gathering information about that person, you want him/her to be truthful. If you are in rapport, it increases that chance ten-fold!

Rob and Tiffany met online and scheduled a date for drinks after work. They were both eager to find out as much as possible about each other. Tiffany used her skills to establish rapport with Rob, and she was able to get him to talk about things that were important to him. His auditory nature revealed almost too much information, including a hole in his morality ozone layer - but enough for Tiffany to nix a second date. Blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol or credit Tiffany's rapport skills. Botom line: she avoided Buyer's Remorse by developing a successful shopping strategy.


Next week "Rules for Relationship Shopping"

Learn rapport skills in our dynamic workshops! Sign up on our web site today: citysingle.us