"RULES FOR RELATIONSHIP SHOPPING" #5 & #6

In our continuing effort to assist you on your relationship shopping trip, here are more guidelines. Consider them a GPS for riding the rails of relationships.

Shopping Rule #5 - LEARN TO RECOGNIZE QUALITY. If you know quality, you can shop in any venue without the labels. And sometimes you can find quality in the most unlikely places - locations where you wouldn't ordinarily shop.

Jerry owned a successful bar in a large city. He did not work in the bar, but had a competent manager who ran it very well. Jerry was well-educated and considered himself definitely upscale, so he did not shop for the perfect relationship in his bar or any other. One day, when he was having lunch with a friend, Jerry noticed an attractive new waitress named Maya working in his favorite restaurant. Operating on his own limited stereotype of waitresses, he dismissed his interest in her because she was "only a waitress", until he found out that she was a psychologist who was putting herself through medical school. He discovered, through the shopping interview process, that she was very bright, cultured and enjoyed a similar lifestyle to his. In short, she fit his attraction strategy.

Shopping Rule #6 - SHOP WITH ENTHUSIASM AND AN OPEN MIND

Look at shopping for the perfect relationship as an adventure. Even if you don't meet Ms./Mr. Right immediately, consider every person you meet and interview a gift; she/he will take you where you need to be next. Each encounter allows you to practice and refine your shopping skills.

Linda radiated warmth and good energy. Men were attracted to her because she was approachable, always smiling and good-natured. She made everyone feel good about themselves, even if she was not romantically interested in them. Linda created lots of shopping options for herself with her open-ended attitude.

Developing shopping skills is about developing listening skills. You will find a good listener if you practice being a good listener. And you will find out lots of information by being a good listener. Sometimes more than you want to know, but that's OK. You can use it to your advantage.

If you lead people into talking about themselves, be prepared for a monologue, but set limits. If you are unlucky enough to attract a narcissist who practices auto-intoxication, you should practice the Rule of Three: if your date doesn't ask at least three questions about you during the course of your time together, don't go out with him/her again. Clearly, he/she is not interested in knowing about you.

Unfortunately, few people are good listeners, so understand that you may be in for a hefty dose of audio valium.

Kim met Tony at a baseball game. Both were very outgoing and loved people. They set up a date for cocktails one evening after work. Kim began to ask Tony about his job, his interests, his life. It became clear to her after Tony's one hour monologue that he was interested in talking about himself. Period. Every time she tried to interject a "me too" experience, Tony would talk right over Kim and bring the conversation back to him. Kim determined that if Tony had a tape recorder and a mirror, he'd have a good time all by himself. She cut the date short and kept shopping.

This kind of experience, although a painful slow dating dance, can be a defining moment of enlightenment. It shows you what you don't want. Similarly, the epic dating bore who treats you like his therapist, dumping emotional refuse into your good listening bin.

Lane was considered a good listener by his friends. He was a sympathetic and compassionate person in whom people confided. While skiing one Saturday, he met Judy. They agreed to have lunch the next week. Lane knew that Judy was going through a divorce, which she talked about all during dlunch. Judy found Lane to be a sympathetic ear, and so heaped her troubles on him: her obnoxious boss, her bratty kids, her health challenges. Lane suddenly found himself having lunch with The Black Hole of Emotional Need. He realized that a relationship with Judy would be one-sided with her doing all the taking and him doing all the giving. He gracefully exited, giving her the name of an excellent therapist.

Next: Rules for Relationship Shopping #7 & #8 "Avoiding Dating Fads" and "Avoiding Impulse Buying"